Tada! Eddy, Don't You See the Sparks?
by romano for da win
Summary: Envy is thrown out to the dogs on the tough street. Eddy has a taste of Roy's fury. Riza is wearing mini-skirts. Al is missing. Maes will turn up. Sooner or later, at least. And Edward's mother loving (take THAT, moderators) ribbon is burned to the stake. Chaos ensues. Warning: Naughty language. Like always. Censored, yes, but still. Also, WOW, a FMA fanfic WITHOUT Roy/Ed!
1. Eddy's Pretty Hair! Noooooo!

I may be enjoying this too much. If you read the following (which I hope you do), I'm not that sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about, actually. It is a perfectly Okay story. No torture involved. None. Nada.

I don't own the beautiful story of FMA, but I do own the wondrous creation that is this fanfiction.

**_Tada! Eddy, Don't You See the Sparks?_**

'Yo, Eddy!" A grumble came from the dark, grey bed. Then a huff. Then a snore.

"YO… Pipsqueak." Edward finally sat up. In surprise (and anger), of course, as Envy had somehow managed to sneak into his bedroom. He punched Envy into the road, and then looked over to Alphonse's bed. Empty.

Where the fuck was his adorable YOUNGER brother?

Edward climbed out of the bed (what a bullshit task that is – just like stairs) and picked out some clothes. Only he didn't, and stood there groaning and moaning for basically years.

"…GAH! I don't know what to we- Oh, they're all the same outfit," at this point, little Eddy face palmed as he remembered he HAD no other clothes than the too-tight-black-jeans and the tiny over coat with the cape and that black top and dem boots. When Edward thought about it, he realized how warped his fashion sense was and that he needed to buy new clothes.

-After the most difficult task in the world-

Edward groaned yet again. Those too-skinny skinny jeans were well hard to put on. Like tights. Not that he would know (he is a closet cross-dresser).

Suddenly, this flame set his pretty red ribbon on fire.

"AGH! FOR ****S SAKE, YOU ******* ********, I'LL NAW YOUR ******* **** OFF, THEN THROW IT IN YOUR ******* FACE, YOU **** handler!" He yelled at no one in particular. _Until he _saw_ it._

"Colonel Bastud…" A smirk was shot his way, and a metal arm/knife sent Roy's.

Stay in tune to see if Roy lives :{O


	2. Roy's a Pervert!

Oneshot?

Lol nope

So, I was, like, totally not gonna update this shit but then this inspirational review came through and told me to torture Edward. So I am.

Diss-claimer: Mother lover, you think I would be sitting here, in my panda top, eating an apple if I owned this? NO. I would be sitting there, in my giraffe top, eating sweets. Not much difference, that's me on a Thursday. Anyway, I no own fma.

**Tada! Eddy, Don't You See the Sparks?**

Riza was sad. Her gun had gone missing. Who ever stole it… Well, let's just say they won't be included in this story.

Not only that, but Roy had broken the ONE rule she specifically told him not to. Burn Fullmetal's ribbon. And Fullmetal was not a happy bunny. Or panda. Or ANY kind of cute animal. In fact, he was an angry mouse (not that he's small or anything- just a choice of strange words).

She stood there, looking at the bloody mess that was once her cru- NO, not a 'crush', her boss. Yes, boss… Of course.

She then spotted something rather… silver. Her gun? Mustang wouldn't be _that _stupid, would he? Riza thought otherwise.

-MEANWHILE, WITH OUR HERO-

"So… Maes…" Started Edward, as he blocked the cute picture of Hughes' daughter.

"Oh, and look at this one! Isn't she so _adorable?" _ Edward nodded quickly, then took the picture and ripped it. What happened next, he didn't expect. Well, he kind of did…

EDWARDS THOUGHTS

_Tears…So many tears._

_Screams. Kicks. Hits. Why?_

_What did I do? Oh, I ripped Hughes_ _precious photo._

_Should probably do something…_

REAL LIFE (lul bet u neva been dere, u fujoshi fajita, u)

"Listen, Maes, you fat OAF! The picture may be fucking ADORABLE but I don't CAAAARE!" OOC Edward just entered.

"Never… Never mind then, Elric, if that's really how you feel…" And so, Maes Hughes left the scene, silently murdering Ed in his mind.

-ALPHONSE'S TIME TO SHINE (furgot bout him, den?)

"GET OUT OF MY SHOP!" An angry shop keeper yelled at Tin-Man.

Alphonse huffed.

"Yeah, well, your service BITES, anyway!" He yelled, and then sauntered off. To the playground.

Alphonse trod miserably down the path to the playground, until he suddenly stopped. In front of him was Roy Mustang. In a children's playground. With sweets. This would not, should not, and could not end well.

"Mister, thanks for the sweets. Kay, bye now!" The child started running off to his friends, handing out the delicious sugary treats to them. Alphonse then started to walk towards the blood-soaked man.

That night, screams filled with pain spread throughout the area.

Teh end fo chappie 2. lul, roy torture is funny. So is ed torture. I'll do that next chapter.

I suppose this will become a multi-chapter story? Yay.


	3. Of Parks, Sweets and Children

No one has wanted this. I updated. I hope you're happy. I don't own FMA. If only. If only…

**Recap**

Alphonse trod miserably down the path to the playground, until he suddenly stopped. In front of him was Roy Mustang. In a children's playground. With sweets. This would not, should not, and could not end well.

"Mister, thanks for the sweets. Kay, bye now!" The child started running off to his friends, handing out the delicious sugary treats to them. Alphonse then started to walk towards the blood-soaked man.

That night, screams filled with pain spread throughout the area.

The reason, as you have all been wondering, that Roy was in the park, giving children sweets is because… Well…. I don't actually know. What the fuck was he thinking? Let's go into his POV. Yes, that will explain it all

**Roy's POV**

That absolute_ bitch_. All I said was 'would you like to try out my new mini-skirt brand for me?' God, it's not like it was taking her gun or something. I am seriously pissed. Well, that may not be the case. Earlier, I thought Fullmetal put something in my pocket. I wonder…

She decided to flip the fucking table and beat the shit out of me. Tch. And now, my once navy blue uniform has been stained blood red. Great. It will take weeks for that to wash out.

So there I was, sitting in the park that I thought Fullmetal would be. Earlier I had thought it would be fun to burn his ribbon. It was funny. Scratch that- hilarious. Sadly, no one else saw what my amazing sense of humour did. Fullmetal kind of ran away crying after certain events. I'm not saying anything else, officer.

I was stuffing my face with sweets; there was nothing better to do. If you had been walking by, you would have thought 'ooh, what a beautiful, handsome, powerful man who is soon to become a godlike figure in the human world as he created mini-skirts as a requirement working women'. Yes, I am that much of a genius.

Anyway, some ignorant kids came along and spotted my bag of sweets. I knew what they wanted. And, by God, I was not letting them have it.

As I thought this, the kids came over and attacked me. I was really quite surprised. These kids were… brutal. I hoped Fullmetal wasn't there to laugh at me. Of of course, I could always twist him around my little finger by insulting him or threatening his brother. Still, that would mean effort.

In the end, I gave the kids some sweets and they thanked me. Fucking children. I hate them. At that point of time, I could hear an angry yell of 'yeah, well, your service BITES, anyway!'. It sounded strangely like Alphonse…

I could see the polished armour walk towards me, and stop in its tracks as it saw the children, sweets and me. In a park. Fuck. He totally took it the wrong way.

And that, officer, is why I am currently half-dead on the bench of which is covered in my own blood, sweat and tears. I hope you catch the treacherous man who did this.

Um, yeah. I listened to some weird shit as I wrote this.


End file.
